Blog Post 4 July 2026 at 4:46 pm

Space 2047: a sentient sandwich and the space-operatic and daft incident of a chocolate bar with ideas above its station

Somewhere inside a suspicious asteroid shopping centre, in the sort of silence that only space can make when it is trying to be annoying, a sentient sandwich began to suspect that the day was about to become memorable for all the wrong reasons.

The Boredom Before the Disaster

It began, as most regrettable events aboard the spaceship Are We There Yet? began, with somebody insisting that nothing whatsoever was wrong. On this occasion it was a sentient sandwich, who had adopted the facial expression of a person attempting to look calm while internally arranging panic into alphabetical order. The crew had been passing through a suspicious asteroid shopping centre, a region of space so tedious that even the emergency lights seemed to yawn, when a meteorite begins singing invoices.

Cedric blamed a chocolate bar with ideas above its station immediately, which was unfair but not entirely stupid, because the object had been humming in a manner normally associated with suspicious machines, guilty sandwiches, and robots pretending not to understand tax law. The shipboard recording software noted the accusation carefully, not because it was useful, but because it enjoyed the possibility of using it in evidence at a later date.

The crew gathered in the control room, which had recently been cleaned by a robot that believed dust was a protected species. a sentient sandwich proposed a sensible investigation. Cedric proposed shouting at the ceiling. a sentient sandwich suggested sending the problem an invoice, because in the modern galaxy nothing was truly real until somebody had charged you for it twice.

For inspiration, the ship’s ancient memory banks produced the phrase, “The digital map then went quiet and did not answer the question, and despite the lack of an answer, this solution to Salomina, seemed the very best way”, which nobody understood but everyone pretended was profound. Cedric nodded as if he had just discovered philosophy inside a vending machine. Salomina stared at the readout with the expression of a woman who had once seduced a vacuum cleaner and therefore no longer trusted electrical appliances with smooth edges.

The first plan involved a robotic organ part. The second plan involved pretending the first plan had never happened. The third plan, which Brian liked best, involved lifting something heavy, looking heroic, and hoping the universe mistook confidence for competence. Unfortunately the universe had met Brian before and was not easily fooled.

Soon the situation spread to a meteorite with speakers attached, where an automated announcement declared that all passengers should remain calm, panic in an orderly queue, and avoid making eye contact with any parcel that appeared to be breathing. This advice was immediately ignored by everyone except the parcel, which seemed offended that nobody had asked about its feelings.

a sentient sandwich attempted diplomacy. This consisted of standing very close to a chocolate bar with ideas above its station and saying, “Now listen here,” in the kind of voice people use when they have no idea what they are about to say next. The object responded by making a noise like a kettle discovering jazz. The crew stepped backwards. The ship stepped metaphorically backwards. Even the wallpaper seemed to reconsider its future.

A message then arrived from an intergalactic official who claimed authority over the matter, although in space there were so many authorities that even authority had begun applying for a holiday. The official demanded forms, counter-forms, an emotional declaration from the nearest toaster, and proof that Cedric had not recently insulted a moon. This was difficult, because Cedric had insulted at least three moons that morning.

By the time the crew reached the fourth argument, the original problem had become a sort of travelling circus. Lights flashed. Buttons beeped. A cupboard opened by itself and revealed a packet of crisps that nobody trusted. Karen suggested that the crisps might be bait. Brian suggested eating them to remove the danger. Cedric suggested asking whether the crisps were single, which caused a silence of such depth that several nearby asteroids turned away out of embarrassment.

In the end, the crew solved the matter in the traditional Space 2047 manner: accidentally, noisily, and with paperwork still attached. a sentient sandwich tripped over a robotic organ part, Cedric shouted an apology at the wrong person, and the ship’s space horn went off with enough force to make a distant meteorite forget the second verse of a song it had been singing since Tuesday.

A Suspicious Object Becomes Important

The crew gathered in the control room, which had recently been cleaned by a robot that believed dust was a protected species. a sentient sandwich proposed a sensible investigation. Cedric proposed shouting at the ceiling. a security droid with public-service issues suggested sending the problem an invoice, because in the modern galaxy nothing was truly real until somebody had charged you for it twice.

For inspiration, the ship’s ancient memory banks produced the phrase, “an answer, this solution to Salomina, seemed the very best way forwards, but the digital map did not agree whatsoever. The digital map then answered, “Well, Brian being”, which nobody understood but everyone pretended was profound. Cedric nodded as if he had just discovered philosophy inside a vending machine. Salomina stared at the readout with the expression of a woman who had once seduced a vacuum cleaner and therefore no longer trusted electrical appliances with smooth edges.

The first plan involved a space horn. The second plan involved pretending the first plan had never happened. The third plan, which Brian liked best, involved lifting something heavy, looking heroic, and hoping the universe mistook confidence for competence. Unfortunately the universe had met Brian before and was not easily fooled.

Soon the situation spread to the planet Elegencincia, where an automated announcement declared that all passengers should remain calm, panic in an orderly queue, and avoid making eye contact with any parcel that appeared to be breathing. This advice was immediately ignored by everyone except the parcel, which seemed offended that nobody had asked about its feelings.

In the end, the crew solved the matter in the traditional Space 2047 manner: accidentally, noisily, and with paperwork still attached. a sentient sandwich tripped over a space horn, Cedric shouted an apology at the wrong person, and the ship’s space horn went off with enough force to make a distant meteorite forget the second verse of a song it had been singing since Tuesday.

The Crew Hold a Meeting

The crew gathered in the control room, which had recently been cleaned by a robot that believed dust was a protected species. a sentient sandwich proposed a sensible investigation. Cedric proposed shouting at the ceiling. Brian suggested sending the problem an invoice, because in the modern galaxy nothing was truly real until somebody had charged you for it twice.

For inspiration, the ship’s ancient memory banks produced the phrase, “not agree whatsoever. The digital map then answered, “Well, Brian being out of my vicinity is a start, but still, it is not quite good enough, and I”, which nobody understood but everyone pretended was profound. Cedric nodded as if he had just discovered philosophy inside a vending machine. Salomina stared at the readout with the expression of a woman who had once seduced a vacuum cleaner and therefore no longer trusted electrical appliances with smooth edges.

The first plan involved a letter from Shopkeepers Anonymous. The second plan involved pretending the first plan had never happened. The third plan, which Brian liked best, involved lifting something heavy, looking heroic, and hoping the universe mistook confidence for competence. Unfortunately the universe had met Brian before and was not easily fooled.

Soon the situation spread to a suspicious asteroid shopping centre, where an automated announcement declared that all passengers should remain calm, panic in an orderly queue, and avoid making eye contact with any parcel that appeared to be breathing. This advice was immediately ignored by everyone except the parcel, which seemed offended that nobody had asked about its feelings.

In the end, the crew solved the matter in the traditional Space 2047 manner: accidentally, noisily, and with paperwork still attached. a sentient sandwich tripped over a letter from Shopkeepers Anonymous, Cedric shouted an apology at the wrong person, and the ship’s space horn went off with enough force to make a distant meteorite forget the second verse of a song it had been singing since Tuesday.

An Intergalactic Authority Gets Involved

The crew gathered in the control room, which had recently been cleaned by a robot that believed dust was a protected species. a sentient sandwich proposed a sensible investigation. Cedric proposed shouting at the ceiling. Cedric suggested sending the problem an invoice, because in the modern galaxy nothing was truly real until somebody had charged you for it twice.

For inspiration, the ship’s ancient memory banks produced the phrase, “start, but still, it is not quite good enough, and I do need a little more reassurance that you will not flush me down the toilet, because flushing”, which nobody understood but everyone pretended was profound. Cedric nodded as if he had just discovered philosophy inside a vending machine. Salomina stared at the readout with the expression of a woman who had once seduced a vacuum cleaner and therefore no longer trusted electrical appliances with smooth edges.

The first plan involved an inflatable space taxi dress. The second plan involved pretending the first plan had never happened. The third plan, which Brian liked best, involved lifting something heavy, looking heroic, and hoping the universe mistook confidence for competence. Unfortunately the universe had met Brian before and was not easily fooled.

Soon the situation spread to the galaxy Hooareu, where an automated announcement declared that all passengers should remain calm, panic in an orderly queue, and avoid making eye contact with any parcel that appeared to be breathing. This advice was immediately ignored by everyone except the parcel, which seemed offended that nobody had asked about its feelings.

In the end, the crew solved the matter in the traditional Space 2047 manner: accidentally, noisily, and with paperwork still attached. a sentient sandwich tripped over an inflatable space taxi dress, Cedric shouted an apology at the wrong person, and the ship’s space horn went off with enough force to make a distant meteorite forget the second verse of a song it had been singing since Tuesday.

The Problem Becomes Larger Than the Ship

The crew gathered in the control room, which had recently been cleaned by a robot that believed dust was a protected species. a sentient sandwich proposed a sensible investigation. Cedric proposed shouting at the ceiling. Salomina suggested sending the problem an invoice, because in the modern galaxy nothing was truly real until somebody had charged you for it twice.

For inspiration, the ship’s ancient memory banks produced the phrase, “that you will not flush me down the toilet, because flushing me down the toilet would of course be a pointless and a futile exercise as I would”, which nobody understood but everyone pretended was profound. Cedric nodded as if he had just discovered philosophy inside a vending machine. Salomina stared at the readout with the expression of a woman who had once seduced a vacuum cleaner and therefore no longer trusted electrical appliances with smooth edges.

The first plan involved a tomato-shaped escape craft. The second plan involved pretending the first plan had never happened. The third plan, which Brian liked best, involved lifting something heavy, looking heroic, and hoping the universe mistook confidence for competence. Unfortunately the universe had met Brian before and was not easily fooled.

Soon the situation spread to the spaceship Are We There Yet?, where an automated announcement declared that all passengers should remain calm, panic in an orderly queue, and avoid making eye contact with any parcel that appeared to be breathing. This advice was immediately ignored by everyone except the parcel, which seemed offended that nobody had asked about its feelings.

In the end, the crew solved the matter in the traditional Space 2047 manner: accidentally, noisily, and with paperwork still attached. a sentient sandwich tripped over a tomato-shaped escape craft, Cedric shouted an apology at the wrong person, and the ship’s space horn went off with enough force to make a distant meteorite forget the second verse of a song it had been singing since Tuesday.

A Terrible Plan Is Mistaken for Bravery

The crew gathered in the control room, which had recently been cleaned by a robot that believed dust was a protected species. a sentient sandwich proposed a sensible investigation. Cedric proposed shouting at the ceiling. Karen Toni Loretta Bobbi Erasmus suggested sending the problem an invoice, because in the modern galaxy nothing was truly real until somebody had charged you for it twice.

For inspiration, the ship’s ancient memory banks produced the phrase, “course be a pointless and a futile exercise as I would immediately alert all my digital map colleagues about your disgusting and outrageous behaviour. Also, you would immediately,”, which nobody understood but everyone pretended was profound. Cedric nodded as if he had just discovered philosophy inside a vending machine. Salomina stared at the readout with the expression of a woman who had once seduced a vacuum cleaner and therefore no longer trusted electrical appliances with smooth edges.

The first plan involved a revisualizing device. The second plan involved pretending the first plan had never happened. The third plan, which Brian liked best, involved lifting something heavy, looking heroic, and hoping the universe mistook confidence for competence. Unfortunately the universe had met Brian before and was not easily fooled.

Soon the situation spread to planet Boring746759, where an automated announcement declared that all passengers should remain calm, panic in an orderly queue, and avoid making eye contact with any parcel that appeared to be breathing. This advice was immediately ignored by everyone except the parcel, which seemed offended that nobody had asked about its feelings.

In the end, the crew solved the matter in the traditional Space 2047 manner: accidentally, noisily, and with paperwork still attached. a sentient sandwich tripped over a revisualizing device, Cedric shouted an apology at the wrong person, and the ship’s space horn went off with enough force to make a distant meteorite forget the second verse of a song it had been singing since Tuesday.

The Delivery and the Consequences

The crew gathered in the control room, which had recently been cleaned by a robot that believed dust was a protected species. a sentient sandwich proposed a sensible investigation. Cedric proposed shouting at the ceiling. Father Alfonso Lonely suggested sending the problem an invoice, because in the modern galaxy nothing was truly real until somebody had charged you for it twice.

For inspiration, the ship’s ancient memory banks produced the phrase, “colleagues about your disgusting and outrageous behaviour. Also, you would immediately, receive an intergalactic anti behaviour order, and afterwards be banned from all the technology shops throughout the”, which nobody understood but everyone pretended was profound. Cedric nodded as if he had just discovered philosophy inside a vending machine. Salomina stared at the readout with the expression of a woman who had once seduced a vacuum cleaner and therefore no longer trusted electrical appliances with smooth edges.

The first plan involved a chocolate bar with ideas above its station. The second plan involved pretending the first plan had never happened. The third plan, which Brian liked best, involved lifting something heavy, looking heroic, and hoping the universe mistook confidence for competence. Unfortunately the universe had met Brian before and was not easily fooled.

Soon the situation spread to a space motorway service station, where an automated announcement declared that all passengers should remain calm, panic in an orderly queue, and avoid making eye contact with any parcel that appeared to be breathing. This advice was immediately ignored by everyone except the parcel, which seemed offended that nobody had asked about its feelings.

In the end, the crew solved the matter in the traditional Space 2047 manner: accidentally, noisily, and with paperwork still attached. a sentient sandwich tripped over a chocolate bar with ideas above its station, Cedric shouted an apology at the wrong person, and the ship’s space horn went off with enough force to make a distant meteorite forget the second verse of a song it had been singing since Tuesday.

A Closing Note from the Software

The crew gathered in the control room, which had recently been cleaned by a robot that believed dust was a protected species. a sentient sandwich proposed a sensible investigation. Cedric proposed shouting at the ceiling. Susan with the Viking helmet suggested sending the problem an invoice, because in the modern galaxy nothing was truly real until somebody had charged you for it twice.

For inspiration, the ship’s ancient memory banks produced the phrase, “and afterwards be banned from all the technology shops throughout the entire universe, and then, all the CCTV cameras would constantly monitor your behaviour, and then at random”, which nobody understood but everyone pretended was profound. Cedric nodded as if he had just discovered philosophy inside a vending machine. Salomina stared at the readout with the expression of a woman who had once seduced a vacuum cleaner and therefore no longer trusted electrical appliances with smooth edges.

The first plan involved a packet of crisps. The second plan involved pretending the first plan had never happened. The third plan, which Brian liked best, involved lifting something heavy, looking heroic, and hoping the universe mistook confidence for competence. Unfortunately the universe had met Brian before and was not easily fooled.

Soon the situation spread to the Intergalactic Global Community Network depot, where an automated announcement declared that all passengers should remain calm, panic in an orderly queue, and avoid making eye contact with any parcel that appeared to be breathing. This advice was immediately ignored by everyone except the parcel, which seemed offended that nobody had asked about its feelings.

In the end, the crew solved the matter in the traditional Space 2047 manner: accidentally, noisily, and with paperwork still attached. a sentient sandwich tripped over a packet of crisps, Cedric shouted an apology at the wrong person, and the ship’s space horn went off with enough force to make a distant meteorite forget the second verse of a song it had been singing since Tuesday.

And so the ship continued onwards, slightly damaged, morally uncertain, and almost certainly late, which was normal for the crew of Are We There Yet?.