Crew Notes Archive

Character Journals

Personal logs, delivery notes, survival warnings, music diaries, cleaning reports and official Eric Strudelhofen regulations from across the Space 2047 universe.

Maintenance Report

Gertrude's Cleaning Reports

Dust is not inevitable. Dust is a declaration of war.

Dust Alert

Dust level reached 0.04%. Emergency mopping protocols activated.

Underpants Event

Robot underpants discovered in vent shaft. Sanitisation ongoing.

Cargo Bay Cleaning

Space Cheese residue resisted standard mop. Upgraded to heroic mop.

Music Diary

Gerald's Music Diary

Every galaxy has a key. Unfortunately, mine is slightly out of tune.

Studio Session

Recorded a song with the engine room. The chorus exploded beautifully.

Guitar Signal

My guitar picked up a distress call from a sandwich.

Creative Breakthrough

Invented a new genre called panic funk. Karen says it already existed whenever I enter a room.

Alien Incident File

Flesh Eating Aliens from MAAM

If a MAAM alien says dinner is served, clarify whether you are dinner.

First Contact

The MAAM delegation greeted the crew warmly, then tried to season Cedric.

Brian Report

Brian survived MAAM territory by pretending his moustache was an endangered species.

Safety Notice

Do not accept hugs from anything with more than two elbows and a bib.

Galactic Advice Column

Susan: Best Kisser in the Universe

A kiss can stop a war, start a war, or make Brian walk into a door.

Reputation Report

Three planets have requested diplomatic training after Susan winked at their ambassadors.

Advice Transmission

Never kiss an alien until you know where its mouth officially begins.

Cosmic Etiquette

If someone calls themselves irresistible, check for hidden tentacles and unpaid parking fines.

Cargo Manifest

Cedric's Cargo Reports

A good cargo officer knows what is in every crate. I have chosen a more mysterious path.

Manifest Error

One crate of socks became three crates of suspiciously organised underpants.

Space Cheese Audit

The cheese has started humming. Gertrude says this is unhygienic.

Missing Parcel

Parcel 9B walked away. It left a forwarding address and a rude drawing.

Royal Broadcast

Salomina's Royal Broadcasts

A queen of the cosmos must remain calm, radiant and extremely suspicious.

Cosmic Statement

I have reviewed Gerald’s latest song and declared it almost legal.

Diplomatic Note

Eric Strudelhofen attempted to bow to himself in a mirror. Talks remain difficult.

Royal Advisory

Never accept a crown from a planet that also offers you a receipt.

Delivery Log

Brian's Delivery Notes

If the parcel is ticking, humming or politely asking for legal representation, do not sign for it.

Moustache Incident

My moustache was mistaken for a diplomatic flag by a traffic warden moon. Negotiations remain itchy.

Black Hole Chip Shop

Collected vinegar near the event horizon. Lost two chips, one receipt and most of Tuesday.

Emergency Route Change

Took a shortcut through a wormhole and arrived before I had left. I still billed overtime.

Official Regulation

Eric Strudelhofen's Regulations

A regulation a day keeps democracy confused.

Regulation 7421

All spoons must be admired for at least three seconds before use.

Nouala Directive

Citizens must salute small sandwiches because greatness often arrives in compact form.

Palace Memo

Anyone taller than Eric must crouch during official photographs.

Survival Report

Karen's Survival Log

If Brian says it is probably fine, put your helmet on.

Personal Note

If the galaxy ends, I would like it recorded that I warned everyone first.

Risk Assessment

Cedric opened a crate labelled Definitely Not Dangerous. It was dangerous.

Nouala Warning

Eric Strudelhofen has made breathing paperwork-adjacent. Avoid official buildings.