Brian
Delivery driver, reluctant hero and moustache-based hazard
Brian is the unofficial leader of the crew of the Are We There Yet? He wants to be heroic, impressive and romantically successful, but the galaxy keeps interrupting him with late deliveries, hostile paperwork, malfunctioning technology and disasters that are usually not entirely his fault. His moustache is a source of pride, danger and possible interstellar influence. Brian can be brave, dramatic and surprisingly determined, especially when somebody doubts him or when the ship needs someone to look like they know what they are doing. Sadly, looking like he knows what he is doing is often the closest anyone gets to a plan.
Favourite Quote: “I didn’t choose the moustache life. The moustache life chose me.”
Home Planet: Earth
Known Crimes Against Common Sense: Attempted to intimidate a bicycle by eating it piece by piece.
Cedric
Navigator, dreamer and supplier of catastrophic business ideas
Cedric is the crew’s resident optimist, philosopher and enthusiastic generator of terrible schemes. He believes wealth, romance, status and designer underpants are always just around the next corner, even when the corner is floating in deep space and clearly marked with warning lights. Cedric can turn boredom into a full galactic crisis and can make even a terrible plan sound like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. His confidence is impressive, his judgement is questionable and his ability to misunderstand danger is almost artistic.
Favourite Quote: “This investment opportunity cannot possibly fail.”
Home Planet: Earth
Known Crimes Against Common Sense: Tried to deliver a parcel to yesterday and invoice tomorrow.
Karen
Fearless chaos magnet and interstellar bumper-car survivor
Karen is energetic, fearless and almost impossible to predict. Her life has included strange powers, explosive accidents and the discovery that space travel may actually be safer than staying on Earth. She throws herself into problems with enthusiasm, curiosity and a relaxed attitude to consequences. Karen is often exactly the person you want beside you in a crisis, provided you do not mind the crisis becoming louder, stranger and more expensive.
Favourite Quote: “Hold my tea and watch this.”
Home Planet: Earth
Known Crimes Against Common Sense: Reversed into danger repeatedly until danger started checking its mirrors.
Salomina Valentine
Glamorous danger specialist and weaponised sarcasm expert
Salomina Valentine is beautiful, intelligent, sarcastic and dangerous in the exact way the galaxy deserves. She can remain glamorous during emergencies involving aliens, broken engines, suspicious sandwiches and people making terrible decisions nearby. Salomina has a sharp mind and an even sharper sense of timing. She is one of the crew’s most colourful survivors and can defeat several kinds of nonsense with a single eyebrow movement.
Favourite Quote: “I am not overreacting. I am accurately reacting in advance.”
Home Planet: Earth
Known Crimes Against Common Sense: Ate a winning lottery ticket to stop anyone stealing it.
Gertrude
Robotic elephant cleaner and accidental moon-polisher
Gertrude is the ship’s robotic elephant cleaner. Her official job is to keep the Are We There Yet? clean, which is nearly impossible because the crew behave like a travelling disaster zone with access to crumbs. She is powerful, thorough and oddly adorable. If something has been spilled, exploded, melted or emotionally damaged, Gertrude will probably try to clean it. Her definition of cleaning is ambitious enough to include corridors, planets, moons and occasionally people who stand still too long.
Favourite Quote: “Cleaning complete. Moon accidentally polished.”
Home Planet: The Are We There Yet?
Known Crimes Against Common Sense: Cleaned an entire moon by mistake and filed it as housekeeping.
Gerald the Intergalactic Giraffe
Musician, traveller and doorway problem
Gerald is one of the galaxy’s most unusual travellers. His height causes customs problems, doorway problems and occasional diplomatic confusion. Where Gerald appears, music, chaos and administrative questions about neck taxation are usually close behind. He has the bearing of someone who has seen the top shelf of every civilisation and remains unimpressed by most of them.
Favourite Quote: “The music is better from up here.”
Home Planet: Giraffia
Known Crimes Against Common Sense: Caused a diplomatic incident involving neck taxation and a casino ceiling.
Father Alfonso Lonely
Space vicar, musician and emergency meteorite deflector
Father Alfonso Lonely operates a gigantic robotic church organ capable of deflecting meteorites and alarming anyone with a basic understanding of architecture. He stands somewhere between religious leader, musician and emergency orbital defence system. His music is loud, holy and structurally worrying. When Father Alfonso plays, windows tremble, asteroids reconsider their life choices and the congregation holds onto whatever furniture remains attached to the floor.
Favourite Quote: “Stand back. The organ is feeling holy.”
Home Planet: Nouala Orbit
Known Crimes Against Common Sense: Used a gigantic robotic church organ to deflect meteorites and confuse worshippers.
Flesh-Eating Aliens from MAAM
Hostile visitors and deeply poor dinner guests
The Flesh-Eating Aliens from MAAM are among the most feared beings in the Space 2047 galaxy. Their arrival usually involves panic, sealed doors, emergency announcements and someone insisting everything is probably fine when it clearly is not. Official advice is simple: run away quickly, preferably in the opposite direction, and do not accept an invitation to dinner unless you are absolutely certain you are not the dinner.
Favourite Quote: “They are already inside the ventilation system.”
Home Planet: MAAM
Known Crimes Against Common Sense: Eating people, ignoring warnings and lowering the tone of the galaxy.
